Witness the devastating power of an actual crazy person living a fantasy life painstakingly documented in a series of hilarious/sad forum posts.

This operator—that’s the word for a highly trained special forces member—offers us a glimpse into a world I had no idea existed; one of heavily armed gangbangers unleashing potent weaponry when not enjoying tasty fruit drinks and the latest coin-operated video games.

On this particular fateful day my team was assigned to patrol Sector Zebra-1, the mall. It was an uneventful day, until the unthinkable happened…It was about 8:45PM, and the mall was closing and nearly empty. Me and my ’shadow’ were sweeping quadrant 069E, the mall arcade, a known hotspot for Asian Gangs and assorted thugs. The arcade was located at the far east end of the mall, next to the movie theater and the orange julius.I smelled trouble, and couldn’t spot any movement from the arcade, which was unusual due to the presence of a new Mortal Compact arcade game. Those Asians Gangs love Mortal Combat.

This passage is especially poignant and well-suited for movie adaptation:

But then again I think of the mayors nephew, his face distored with tears and terror, the GAP employees who asked for my autograph, and had to settle for a cover identity’s signature, the flashbangs, and their acrid scent, the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot, the target practice with my dearest comrades and friends, the members of my teams, and our live fire exercises-Can I leave it all behind? should I?

Or is my life better spent as the silent, alert, stalwart, invisible guardian of the free mall…

I cannot tell.

Fade to black. Roll credits.

[Shrine of the Mall Ninja – lonelymachines.org]